This is my very last post as Llama110.  I have decided that changes in my life means new things in other parts of my life.  Getting a new job, a boyfriend, turning another year older and deleting about 350 "friends" from my facebook "friends" list have all contributed from me wanting to move on from this.

I am starting a new fresh one.  If you still want to read my posts, I'll be at Happiness_Lies_At_The_Beach

Its been fun while it lasted, but its time to move on as I start a new chapter of my life.  If you want to take the journey with me, feel free : )  Lots of love!

So, I went to church yesterday with my mom.  We went for the 11am mass.  Before we left I had the feeling that her phone would go off cause she's never good with remembering that.  My dad was also in a really crappy/ grumpy mood.  He was so annoyed for no reason.  My mom and I were sitting in church and all of a sudden, her phone went off.  We were kinda chuckling cause its church for goodness sakes.  So, she said she should prob. answer it because it might be important.  She went in the hallway in the back while I stood there thinking how funny it was.  Then she came practically running back to me.  I moved aside for her to take her seat again.  She grabbed her purse and told me "we have to go. we have to go now".  and I was like "ok. ok" cause everyone was looking at us.  Then we got in the back hallway and I said "mom, what's wrong" cause I figured that somebody had a car crash or was in the hospital.  all she said was "granny died".  and I was like "WHAT?!".  Then we were trying to walk back to the car and she was just crying and after a while i was too.  After i drove us home, my dad was already waiting outside the house and my mom broke down again.  I know that she was 79, had emphysema (sp?) and when she was put on an oxygen tank, they gave her 6 years to live and she lived for 18.  but its just weird because you know that someone is sick and it is going to happen eventually, but you just aren't ready or prepared for it.  The 3 of us drove into chicago to her place.  she shares a house with her older sister (they each have a flat).  her sister found her and was freaking out.  it was obvious that she was gone, so there was no need to call 911 immediatly, so she was just freaking out.  she left a message on our house phone and she was hysterical. then she called my aunt, and my aunt told my mom the news.  i just what is just so odd about this all is that i saw her when we went there. she died in her bed.  i've gone to plenty of funnerals and wakes in my life, but that is seeing the person nicely dressed and in the casket and everything. i get emotional there as well, but i just couldn't handle it yesterday. she was just there.  my aunt was in bloomington and she wanted us to wait to have her taken away so she could get there and see her.  so, we had the fire dept and police dept come in and confirm her time of death and that it was natural.  but then we were just waiting there. it was something i've never done before. i cried alot yesterday and i think most of it was when i saw her.  she was so small (94 lbs).  i kind of regret not spending more time with her when my mom would nag me to call her, but i can't regret or else i won't ever get over it.  my mom and i eventually went down to my great aunt's apartment downstairs and waited there with her and her sons who came in.  i did get to look around at all of her stuff that i maybe don't remember or never knew was there.  she was a great lady.  my dad asked if there was anything i wanted to take (because i guess people get weird when it comes to what they think belongs to them after someone's death) and all i wanted was to find the smurf puzzle i used to put together when i was younger, but couldn't find it.  my brother peter wanted this toy horse for some reason, but we couldn't find that.  peter took it really hard.  we got a hold of my other brother carl, but we couldn't reach peter cause he was in peoria with his girlfriend for a wedding.  finally i called his girlfriend and my dad talked to peter.  peter got really close with her in the past year.  my dad said that peter didn't say much.  by 4:15, the funneral people took her body and we left about an hour later to go home.  My brothers, sister-in-law, and colleen (peter's g/f) came over to have dinner.  i'm so happy they came over just because my mom needed to be with the people (and the dog) that she loves.  Carl and liz were going to bring food over to my grandmother's apartment, but i'm glad my parents said no cause i couldn't even use her bathroom. that's how freaky it was. i can't just sit there and enjoy a meal knowing that she died just a few feet away.  but back at home, we all talked and ate and remembered her.  colleen said that they had called my phone back and heard the news when they were still in peoria.  they had just gotten gas.  she said they sat at that gas station for a long time.  she said that she has never seen peter cry in the 3 years they have been dating.  i just know everyone is going to be a mess at the services, but hopefully, they will find some closure.  Like peter said, now she doesn't have to be on oxygen and can be with my aunt linda.  I just wrote this for myself as a reminder of the day it happened and to let it out.  i hope nobody has to see their loved one in that state, but i know that she's looking down at all of us and that she's not in any more pain.